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The Bachelor recap: Gossipy Girls

Hakuna matata, rose lovers! Before we begin, allow me to offer a PSA: If you have not yet seen this video of Courtney, stop whatever it is you’re doing (which is, apparently, reading this recap) and go watch it now. Go on, I’ll wait. Okay, everybody ready? On to the next leg of our “journey”!We open on the beautiful coastline of Belize, where Ben — who has managed to find the ugliest of all Ugly American tank tops ever manufactured — is reflecting on the remaining six women. “My heart is captivated and captured, the feelings of love are there — I’m not ready to tell anybody that, but when the time is right,” he muses. With one week left until hometown dates, he adds, “There’s a lot on the line this week.”The “ladies” are feeling the pressure, too. Kacie B., for one, shows no sign of slowing her roll when it comes to the Bachelor. “I am as in love with Ben and I can get — I should just be happy,” she groans. “I can’t be happy when there are five other people who think they’ve found somebody too.” (They think and you know, right honey?) The women arrive at their villa, where Harrison awaits, resplendent in a cerulean shirt that matches the pool. He bottom lines it for them: Next week is hometowns, and there’s no time for lollygagging — so this week, we get three “intimate” one-on-one dates and one group date. (Although, to be fair, in Bachelor terms a 3-on-1 group date is pretty intimate.) Harrison drops off the date card, which Courtney eagerly snatches and reads aloud: “LIndzi, two halves make a whole.” Of course, Courtney pronounces it “halfs,” but that’s probably more because she was upset about not getting the first date and less about her being dumb as a bag of hammers.Ben arrives for his date sporting the aforementioned hideous tank top, and sheepishly fetches Lindzi as the other “ladies” glower at him from their chaise lounges. The whirlybird whisks them away to the blue hole, which is essentially a 500-foot underwater drop into a terrifying ocean abyss ringed by pretty coral. And guess what, Lindzi? You’ll be plunging into oblivion from the helicopter. Doesn’t that sound romantic? After a lot of laugh-sobbing and a pre-jump kiss, Ben and Lindzi take the dive. And then the helicopter suddenly flew away, leaving Ben and Lindzi to star in their very own version of Open Water. Okay, that didn’t happen. Instead they go to dinner, where they recline on a couch like ancient Romans and discuss the prospect of hometown dates. “I absolutely, I would love to bring you home to my parents,” says Lindzi. “I’m excited about this!” To commemorate their big night, Ben pulls out a little scroll and a bottle so he and Lindzi can send a message about their “love” into the blackness of the night. “Once upon a time there was a man named Ben and a woman named Lindzi, who was very pretty. They met in a far off land full of mystery. Their future was uncertain until one day they jumped out of a helicopter,” reads the Bachelor, as images of their date flash before our eyes. “At that point she was falling not just from a helicopter, but more importantly for Ben…” The story ends with the duo making an “eternal promise” to always be honest with each other, and while the cynic in me says they’ve already broken that promise, to be fair they’re more lying to themselves than each other — so it doesn’t really count.NEXT: Somebody get an oilcan! Courtney’s crying, and we don’t want her to rust

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