SCOTT COX: Cable network sets the bar very, very low The Bakersfield Californian | Saturday, Oct 22 2011 12:00 PM Last Updated Monday, Oct 24 2011 11:03 AM I am very fortunate that my work schedule allows me to spend a reasonable amount of time with my teenage daughter, but we do have one major problem: The stuff she collects on the DVR makes me want to throw a cinder block through the TV. Here's the thing: She watches several shows on a network called TLC. Now why would I take time out of my busy day to complain about a perfectly successful TV network? It's simple. I hate false advertising: TLC stands for The Learning Channel, but what are we learning by watching this network's hideous programming? Exhibit A would have to be a show called "What Not to Wear." Here's how this entertainment extravaganza works, and I swear I'm not making this up: Let's say you are a very trendy, fashion-conscious woman. You get all the latest styles from the coolest boutiques. You spend big bucks on hair care. Fine. Now, let's say that you have a friend who doesn't do that stuff. She dresses how she wants. Barely drags a comb through her hair. Well, if there's one thing fashion can't abide, it's non-conformity. So you rat your "friend" out to the producers of this dreadful show. Then we meet fashion pros Clinton and Stacy, who seem nice enough at first, until you realize they're actually evil sadists bent on stripping their hapless subject not just of her wardrobe, but of her self-esteem. By the end of the episode, Clinton and Stacy — ta-da! — reveal a polished, vacuous fashionista where a real woman, complete with quirks and individuality, used to be. And that's victory, I guess. The ladies always seem happy enough, but I wonder if they stick with it after they've burned through the clothing budget. I'd be willing to bet that 90 percent of go right back to the clothes that made them happy and comfortable to begin with. And good for them. Another TLC treasure is "Extreme Couponing." Again, this is a real show, even though "couponing" isn't a real word. This is where the network takes a turn for the creepy. The folks on this show spend hours and hours collecting and clipping coupons. Then, they bundle them up and go to the store, cameras in tow, and buy tons of stuff they neither want nor need. The big moment on every show is when they get to the checkout lines with 20 carts full of Frosted Mini Wheats, and we watch the bewildered checker ring it up, then subtract the coupons. Yay! Five hundred toothbrushes for free! While "Extreme Couponing" is like watching people dance on the very edge of mental illness, some of the TLC shows dive right in. "Hoarders" goes into the homes of folks who have filled their living spaces literally to capacity with junk, shining the bright light of voyeurism on people with what would appear to be fairly severe personal issues. You'd think that watching a show about an old man who hasn't thrown away a newspaper since the Truman administration would make you feel better about your messy garage, but it doesn't. It makes me feel sorry that the guy's family paraded his troubles in front of the whole world. One episode featured a lady who wouldn't pick up her dog's hair from inside her house for 20 years. They showed her kids hauling out 50 or 60 trash bags full of dog hair. Now that's entertainment! While coupon junkies and hoarders make me sad, "Toddlers and Tiaras" makes me furious. This show takes you into the hyper-competitive world of children's beauty pageants. These exceedingly creepy women tart up their daughters (some as young as 2) in sexy outfits and ridiculous makeup, and make them sing and dance in pageants. That any parent would find this to be a positive outlet for their kids is terrifying. But these are mostly shallow, unattractive moms who never got to feel pretty and, by any means necessary, these poor kids are going to succeed where they clearly failed. MSNBC's "Lockup," and "To Catch a Predator" combined are less creepy than "Toddlers and Tiaras." Like kids? You won't after an episode of "19 Kids and Counting." Yep, it's like "Hoarders," but with human beings. You get to follow the adventures of the Duggar family and their ever-evolving freak show. Like tiny humans who aren't children? Well, TLC has you covered there too. "Little People, Big World" chronicles the lives of the Roloff family as they live what would appear to be fairly normal lives, but get this — they're really small! I'm not sure what the politically correct term is for these people, but I think it's "exploitable." Maybe if the ratings start to sag, they'll get a housekeeper and dress her up as Snow White (don't act like that's not funny). Most of the rest of TLC's programming is less voyeuristic but still pretty lame. Like cakes? They have a show for that. Like cakes, but think they're just too darn big? No problem — they've got "DC Cupcakes." Conversely, if you dig "Say Yes to the Dress" but find the brides a bit scrawny for your liking, there's a plus-size version. Seriously, someone actually had that idea and made a TV show out of it. Take an existing bad idea, and make everyone bigger. Only in America. If you're a big fan of tattoos, you have two shows to choose from: "LA Ink" is about a tattoo shop in L.A. Wanna guess what "NY Ink" is about? There's a show about people eating mass quantities of gross stuff (10-pound bag of cornmeal, anyone?), and a show about girls who gave birth and didn't know they were preggers. No kidding. The more I watch my kid watch this stuff, the more worried about society I become. On the upside, I have a killer idea for a TV show. In my can't-miss ratings bonanza, a family of little people has 25 kids, and they all get tattoos and make cupcakes all day, and all the girls are pregnant but don't know it. Their precocious 3-year-old daughter twirls a baton while wearing a sequined thong in beauty pageants. They have 500 toothbrushes each, and the mom keeps all the empty packages. Now THAT's learning! These are the opinions of Scott Cox, not necessarily those of The Californian. Catch his radio program on KERN, 1180-AM. close