As I’ve gotten older, even thinking about a bathing suit brings me close to panic. I always have a backlog of suits from past years that looked halfway decent. But age can start to shift our parts, and what used to be at attention is often at “parade rest.”
I went to a local department store the other day to see what they had. The sales clerk assured me that the ones she chose were designed to hide flaws. In other words, they were created to camouflage parts that we might not be happy with and enhance others. Now I don’t know about you, but my perception of camouflage is clothing the armed forces use to hide from the enemy in battle and blend into the background. If that’s the case, bathing suits should resemble sand and have shells glued on them. Couldn’t they have come up with another word?
I really don’t want to hide anything. I want it to go away.
One of the things that might have made me buy one of the suits would have been a body-friendly mirror. Give me a break; where do they find these mirrors? I think they’re all bought at a circus that’s going out of business. I know I’m short but somehow the mirror made me look like a pumpkin, round and stumpy. Others have made me look tall and thin. Now that’s the one I want to take home.
It was then that I experienced an “aha!” moment. It was time for me to design long-sleeved, ankle-length suits. That might be something a lot of women my age might like. They could be made out of a light material and have some strategic cutouts in places that still looked firm, like the underside of the wrist, or the middle of the back. It could actually be quite elegant. Swooping down the beach in a long gauzy attire might be quite exciting!
Now that’s my idea of some really “cool” camouflage.
Author, humorist, PBS star and Fortune 500 trainer Loretta LaRoche lives in Plymouth, Mass. To share your pet peeves, questions or comments, write to The Humor Potential, 50 Court St., Plymouth, MA 02360, send email to , visit the website at stressed.com or call toll-free 800-998-2324.